No More Bad Cop

Just the other day, we were riding down the highway and a cop pulled out in front of us. What do you imagine everyone did? Do you even have to imagine it, cause you know immediately what everyone did, don't you?! Yep, they all slowed down! Brake lights flashed all over the place! Even if you have your cruise control set on a reasonable speed, when you see a cop, don't you immediately "check" yourself?! I know I do!

Right after that happened, I was looking out the window at the trees rushing by and I had this thought, "That's what you feel like people do when you show up, isn't it?"

What? Wait.....ohhh..........YES!!!!!! That's it, Lord!!!! That's exactly what I feel like!!!!!!!

You see, I very conveniently haven't mentioned it before now, but my husband is a pastor. I'm HAPPY that he is and he is amazingly used by God, but me, well...........I just don't like being "the pastor's wife" for the very reason I mentioned above! People change when they get around me. They treat me like I'm the cop on the highway. They are happy I'm there, glad to see me "doing my job", but they don't want me paying attention to them really. They are content to acknowledge me, to say a courteous "hi", but they don't want me hanging around long enough to get in their business....not "the preacher's wife"! And, just keeping this very real here, for a long time I have let this confuse me to no end. For WAY too long, I have analyzed myself and looked inward and wrestled with thoughts of "what is wrong with me?" and "why do I have such a hard time having any real relationships when it used to be sooooo easy for me to get close to others?". It's an exhausting dialogue I have been having, let me tell you!

Anyways, to bring this around to my real point, I think God showed me this very thing so that I could finally understand people. Oh, His ways of dealing with us are just so perfect, aren't they?! I don't know that I would have ever understood it any other way. But now, I see! I understand! Seriously y'all, listen to this - I was just pulled over by a cop a couple of weeks ago and I can guarantee you now that God had something to do with that. I was given MUCH GRACE by a person who I thought was so scary, by someone I was terrified of...I just knew he was going to write me a ticket, but he didn't! Not only did he not do what I expected, he did what I least expected and went out of his way to help me get where I needed to go in an unfamiliar area. OK....are you getting it?! (cause I sure am!...let it sink in!) Yep, I need to be doing that very same thing! I need to literally quit being what people expect............to ruin their preconceived ideas and just let Him flow out of me in the ways He created, because He made me who I am for a reason...........ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, FREEDOM!!!! (as the Hallelujah chorus plays in the background, of course)

Why do I need to change? Because the real me doesn't let people push me away (or doesn't want to anyhow). The real me pursues and tries to build a relationship. The real me is loyal to a fault and once you are my friend, I consider you a friend for life!!! And the real me is so very, very tired of not getting to be the real me:(

So, here's to the new pastor's wife who will not stand by and be treated like the bad cop any longer, like it or not. Please pray for me as I try to undo nearly four years (or honestly, more like 10 yrs!) of feeling like a fish out of water. I'm warning you now, this might not be pretty! And then again, maybe it will be:)

NOTE: This is certainly NOT how I have felt about every relationship! Please give me some grace in this :)

What is in a Name?

Just the other day, I was lying in bed thinking about stuff (cause that's what I do) and I was trying to decide what I would "name" my girls if I had to choose a particular characteristic or description. I was thinking about it because S had found an old name book and she was so bummed that her name didn't really have a meaning. Anyways, here's what I came up with:

My oldest would be something like "discovery" because of her insatiable desire to learn, and "creativity" because she draws/builds/constructs some of the most elaborate things I have ever seen from a child her age. Her God-given abilities are amazing! She is constantly either reading/learning or creating. Case in point: at her birthday party this year, we bought her some new books. The child actually asked to read her new book in the middle of her party! What kid does that?! She's gonna change the world.

My middle child would be named "passion" and "heart". She just loves life and she lives life to the full every single day. She is almost always smiling and if she does get down, she doesn't stay down for long! She also just cares very deeply about others...she loves to give love and be loved. She's one of those people that you are drawn to for no particular reason. She lights up a room just by being in it.

My baby is still, well, a baby, so she's a little difficult to figure out. I think her actual name probably fits her very well cause I'd just say she's "joy" mixed with a little "head strong"...ha! She already just loves making other people happy. If she finds something you love, she'll do it over and over. She has danced since the time she could pull up and hold onto anything. She's a happy girl, until there is something she wants and then...you better watch out! I just know that "head strongness" (yes, I am making up words) will come in handy one day:) I can't wait to see more of her personality emerge.

My children are sooooo much more than these brief descriptions, so don't think these are a life label or anything. Children are treasures to be discovered moment-by-moment and day-by-day. I know that my kids are on a journey just like me. They will grow, they will change, and they will become all that God wants them to be. I'm so thankful that all three are each so different and so unique! I am so priviledged to get to be their mommy!!! The Lord has entrusted me with some of His richest blessings (which is exciting and sobering all at the same time).

Getting Over Myself

Just the other day, I started a blog. I was excited about it. Really, I was. I was super excited. Then, I got a phone call from work and was asked to take on a majorly huge project. Majorly huge projects plus homeschooling plus three kids plus being a wife plus you-name-it and well, I kinda got overwhelmed:( This blog went on the back, back burner. In the meantime, I searched around on other blogs. You know what? There are some ah-mazing blogs out there!!! My goodness! And then I started feeling like, "What do I have to say that's so important?" Seriously. Then, there it was...that still small voice. It said, "Would it be worth it to you to help just ONE?" Well, when it was put that way(!), I felt overwhelmingly humbled. In that moment, my focus came back and I realized once again...THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!!! It really IS about living a life out loud for Christ! It's about how HE has worked and is continuing to work in my life and my hope is that God will use it to help any "ONE" that may stumble across this teensy-tiny corner of the blogosphere. I SO can not get caught up in comparing myself to others! I refuse! So, I'm back:) My goal is to be much less "anal" about this whole thing. I'm going to write and publish and write and publish and write and just see where it goes...grammatical errors, spelling mistakes and all. It's actually really refreshing to not be so uptight.