Why I Came Out as a Post-Abortive Christian Woman (Whitney's Story, Part 3)

*If you missed the beginning of this 3-part series, please click here.

We have to remember that there is no neutral influence that floats around somewhere “out there”. We are under influence from God or Satan. There is no other source of influence in our lives. 1 Peter 5:8 & 9 warns us…

“Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith.”

In my life, Satan’s roars have always been in the form of a whisper in my ear...“God’s promises are not for you.”  “If anyone knew…”  “You’re not good enough.” While Satan has never devoured me physically I have allowed him to devour my hope, joy and confidence in the woman God says I am...

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” Ephesians 1:4-8

This tells me that even before God spoke the world into existence, He knew me, knew every single mess I would ever make, and it still gave Him great pleasure to make a way for a relationship with me. Now, that is something that restores my hope, joy, and confidence.

This sort of brings this story full-circle. At the beginning I described what this story is not. Here is what it is and why I felt God called me to share it…

God has been good to me. He has blessed me and manifested himself in so many ways in my life. He has taken my brokenness and made me whole again. I know the pain of living in isolation, condemnation, and self-doubt.  He has a divine plan of ministry for each one of us.  He knows the pain of this world.  He doesn’t heal our wounds just for our benefit but so we can minister to others.  His word tells us that clearly…

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3 & 4

If you’re reading this and you are a post-abortive woman, feeling like you’re all alone, let me help you out with that.  Based on statistics from the US Census Bureau in 2008 – the most recent numbers available - there were 1,211,500 abortions in the US, 33,140 of which were in my state of North Carolina. Abortion providers are self reporting so it’s reasonable to assume this number is higher. Very seldom does a woman experience an abortion alone. There is almost always a mom, dad, husband, boyfriend, friend, or sister along as well, which at least doubles the number of people affected.  If you want to bring in abortion doctors, nurses, the folks at the front desk, the bio-hazard drivers, etc. that number easily triples. That’s a lot of walking wounded people. To break that into a digestible bite, in North Carolina that’s 17.5 abortions for every 1000 pregnancies in 2008.  Based on information from National Right to Life numbers there have been 54,599,615 abortions in the US since 1973. For more detail, the US Center for Disease Control has a comprehensive report of pretty much anything you’d want to know.

The tricky part of this type of ministry is the fear that too much grace to the sinner negates the severity of the sin. I don’t see any examples of that in scripture. (Rom. 8:1) We must continue to fight for the life of the unborn. God is the creator of life and, as believers, we must hold to that truth. But abortion is a complicated multi-layered cancer within our culture.  The devastation it leaves in its wake has an enormous ripple effect that permeates our families and our society on every level of race, socio-economic position, religion, level of education.  We’re all affected by abortion whether we realize it or not just by the sheer number of post-abortive people in our midst.  Where do you think all those people are?  We’re everywhere.  Abortion not only robs the physical lives of our next generation, but also robs the spirit of those who perpetrate and participate in abortions. The church will never be able to have a significant effect on reducing or overturning our abortion laws without recognizing the problem extends beyond the walls of the abortion clinic. To do that, the church must become the lighthouse of healing and truth as opposed to a place of even more shame to pile on. An unbelieving world does not have the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to discern the difference between condemnation and conviction, and without Godly conviction there can be no restoration.

I’m learning that ministry is messy. You have to let people get in your business, and you have to get right back into their business. It is raw and uncomfortable. But if we really want to make a difference, it is completely necessary.

If you’ve been affected by an abortion in any capacity, there is so much help available. I’ve listed information below for two ministries that I’ve been involved in that will walk you through God’s word for restoration and redemption.

God’s word is true! Cling to what Jesus tells us in John 10:9-11…

“I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will come in and go out and find pasture. A thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

He doesn’t say if only the “good” people enter but “if anyone”. He reminds us of Satan’s goal for us. His promise of not just a good life, but an abundant one! Abundance is defined as: a copious supply; great amount, bountiful, overflowing. Reading this verse now on this side of the cross, we know that Jesus knew what it would cost Him to fulfill this promise to us.

Sweet friend, know that just because you have an abortion in your past God still has a plan for you. Don’t be deceived into thinking you have no value in whatever path God calls you to. Cling to His promises.

In His love & grace.

Whitney


For more information on Post-Abortion Recovery contact:

Sandy Day at Caleb Ministries
www.calebministries.org
704.841.1320

Charlotte Pregnancy Resource Center
www.prccharlotte.com
704.372.5981

**Each of these organizations have been contacted about these series of posts and are ready to help.

**You can contact Whitney directly by emailing her at FullOfGrace@att.net

Additional links:

www.surrenderingthesecret.com
www.focusonthefamily.com

[1] http://www.census.gov/compendia/statab/2012/tables/12s0103.pdf

[2] http://www.nationalrighttolifenews.org/news/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/statsre.jpg

[3] http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss6108a1.htm?s_cid=ss6108a1_w

[4] http://www.thefreedictionary.com/abundance

Whitney Burrows is a North Florida girl raised on the banks of her beloved Suwannee River & Gulf Coast.  After 12 years in the world of banking, she moved into full-time-homemaker mode as mom to James and Pearce, and wife to Burges.  The last 18 years have been a fun flurry of sports, meal prep, scraped knees, room/team mom, chauffeuring, and volunteering.  Whitney lives for all things family, friends, southern, and outdoors.  She has been extremely blessed by God’s grace and loves encouraging women to embrace the abundant life promised to us by our Savior. She believes life becomes a wonderful (but not always easy) adventure when we stop running from the Lord, listen to His voice, and trust in His call on our lives.

Why I Came Out as a Post-Abortive Christian Woman (Whitney's Story, Part 2)

*If you missed Part 1 and need to catch up, click here.

Moving on down the road, several years later I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. Our family experienced a painful and swift breakup within our circle of friends. The calendar I made sure was consistently full of dinners together, play dates, and morning coffees was now painfully open. My phone stopped ringing. There were no discussions on where to meet for lunch or carpool challenges to get us and all of our kids somewhere. Quiet. The one thing that I had worked so hard all my adult life to avoid had become reality. My greatest fear, the fear of rejection, had been dropped squarely in my lap and there was nothing I could do about it. True to my insecurity I tried to “fix” it, but the harder I tried the worse I made it. Eventually had to accept the fact that I had been rejected. The brokenness and self loathing I’d lived with for so long was now justified. This was the affirmation that I never deserved any of the good I had experienced. It had finally caught up with me and pressed down on me to the point I thought I would break.

But God…

Around this time I was listening to the radio and heard on my local Christian station a woman whose voice was infectious and full of life. As I zeroed in on the interview I heard the word post-abortive. After I caught my breath, I began to listen to her story of redemption and restoration. I even heard happiness and joy in her voice! I had never really known how to label myself, but as I listened she was telling MY story. I couldn't believe there was another woman “out there” like me. But, bless her heart, she was talking just like anyone else. As the interview went on I discovered that she had a post-abortive ministry! What?! I went straight to my computer and sure enough, there it was. That day began a series of communication that led to a friendship that led to a Bible study that changed my life. There are too many details to share here, but I had no doubt that God placed my new friend in my life at that particular time. She and I actually began scrapbooking together (love to scrapbook) every week or two for about a year, and she and I would meet at my house to “work”. However, what was really happening was God using her to mentor and pour into me the truth of His word. You see as I can look back now, the relationships with my circle of friends was not bad in itself. But because I used those relationships for my constant distraction, I’m convinced the Lord removed me so I would be open for this gift of restoration He was preparing. I would have never made room for that otherwise. Yes, the breakup was painful, and yes, sorting through my “mess” was painful and slow! But, as believers, when the rug is pulled out from under us we have to choose how to move through it. God does not forsake us, but sometimes He does have to re-order our lives so we can/will listen only to Him.

I knew that I had repented of my “sin” and that God had forgiven me, I just could not “forgive myself”. We hear that term frequently in our culture & I totally owned that mindset. It somehow felt like an adequate penance to carry around. But the truth is, the Bible says nothing about forgiving ourselves. As I dove into scripture to see how to sort through all of this, one of the most powerful truths I discovered was to not “forgive myself” was really saying to God that the work of the cross was okay for everyone else, but not for me. "My sin is too big for that," I thought. This self condemnation I beat myself with was really a lack of fully acknowledging who Jesus Christ was to me. If I could not move on from this self-inflicted spiritual and emotional isolation, I had to revisit everything I said I believed. Now, I didn’t consciously intend or feel I was elevating myself above Christ, but my years of distorted thinking had kept me from truly submitting myself to His authority. It was easier for me to internalize the condemnation piece of the gospel, but much harder to accept the grace because I didn’t deserve it and my story was so awful. That’s when it hit me. All sin is awful. All sin separates us from a holy God. I had confused the consequence of the sin with the degree of the sin. I did that – not God. Jesus died to cover my sin of abortion with the same fervor as covering the sin of omission, gossip, spinning the truth, or any other of the “small” sins. There is no high or low degree of sin. I could no longer say that I believed one part (condemnation) without also believing the part of grace and restoration. I wasn’t doing God any “favors” by holding on to my brokenness. What I was really doing was diluting what He had done for me and telling Him it was not enough!

That had to sink in with me for a few days. Did I really mean that? Could I really say to God that His plan for the redemption for mankind was a sweet attempt, but that was just not going to be enough for some of us?

Of course not.

___________________________

(Please stop in tomorrow to read Part 3 of Whitney's story, or Subscribe to Just the other day... by Email so that you never miss a post.)

Whitney Burrows is a North Florida girl raised on the banks of her beloved Suwannee River and Gulf Coast.  After 12 years in the world of banking, she moved into full-time- homemaker mode as mom to James and Pearce, and wife to Burges.  The last 18 years have been a fun flurry of sports, meal prep, scraped knees, room/team mom, chauffeuring, and volunteering.  Whitney lives for all things family, friends, southern, and outdoors.  She has been extremely blessed by God’s grace and loves encouraging women to embrace the abundant life promised to us by our Savior. She believes life becomes a wonderful (but not always easy) adventure when we stop running from the Lord, listen to His voice, and trust in His call on our lives. 

For His glory,

Why I Came Out as a Post-Abortive Christian Woman (Whitney's Story, Part 1)

Yes...I'm going there. Before I tell you what the purpose of this is, let me tell you what it is not. This is not a public confession of a past sin - I've already done that to the only person who has the power and position to require that...He was very gracious to me (Rom 8:1). This is also not a "battle-cry" for every other post-abortive Christian woman to "come out of the closet". This is my story of what happens when you stop running from God's call on your life, come to a place of surrender, and move on with it.

First off, to understand where we are going, you need a little information on where I am coming from…

I had an abortion at the tender age of sixteen.  As with every life-changing event there are many details I'll skip over (unless you're a post-abortive woman and would like to talk).  I will say that the same issues that influenced my behavior prior to my abortion are the same issues that influenced my decision to have an abortion...fear of rejection, insecurity, low self-image.

Now, everyone has a different experience, but there are some behaviors that are pretty consistent with many post-abortive women.  You would think that a teenage pregnancy and subsequent abortion would snatch a "good girl" back on the right path.  Well...you'd be wrong.  You see, once that line has been crossed, fear, insecurity, and low self-image have some new friends to pile on...self-condemnation and self-loathing topped with a crippling heap of guilt.  For me, that manifested itself into a very tightly wound Type A, high-strung, focused, stubbornly independent and driven young woman.  These traits are not inherently bad or destructive unless they are, in fact, your best-attempt to keep your mess pressed down so you don't have to think about it or yourself.

I'm now skipping over the many details of a decade of hard work, hard play, and toxic relationships....

However, God is so good.  In spite of myself He brought an incredible man into my life.  Praise God…I had a momentary flash of lucidity when he asked me to marry him.

Ours is a beautifully ordinary story.  We married, moved to Charlotte, and started our family. After the birth of our first child, the hunger for validation through my work ceased.  Thus began my journey as a full-time stay-at-home-mom. I loved it, and two years later we were blessed with a second son.  I comfortably settled into my sweet family bliss.  For the first time in my life, I felt completely sure of my purpose. There was only one problem, though, as I began to mature in my spiritual life my sons were growing also.  For the first time my heart came face to face with what I had done all those years ago.  As I watched my boys develop their own personalities, friends, and interests, the gravity of the lie I bought into so long ago rained down on me.  You see, having two boys so close in age made me realize that they weren't my "do over,” they were not "copies" of my aborted child. They were the "people" God had ordained them to be from the beginning of time. (Eph.1:4-5)  The lie our culture is being fed that "It's not even a baby yet. It’s only tissue; it's like getting a tooth pulled…" is a lie straight from the pit of hell.  In my heart, I knew that truth at sixteen, and as a woman in her mid-thirties my heart was now breaking over it. Praise God that the science of today can now show how perfectly put together a baby is very early into pregnancy. Advance technology has been no friend to our pro-choice brothers and sisters.

What to do, what to do.  I knew the time had come that I had to tell my husband, Burges.  Now, I had not kept it from him out of fear, I just didn't think it involved him (no - I didn't have a Godly understanding of marriage either).  After all I didn't even know him until many years beyond sixteen. But, again, God is so good.  He convicts us in small bites that we can digest. If He had brought all of this down on me at one time I would have broken completely.  I did tell Burges and, as is his way, he was so kind.  He reassured me that I was a good mom.  He would forgive me, but more importantly reminded me that God had forgiven me too.  I desperately needed to hear that and it was helpful. However, I remained severely messed up.

I thought "confessing" to my husband would "fix" me, but it didn't. Oh, it helped, but you see, the thing about carrying around a secret is that it's very isolating.  Now, I'm not talking about a secret that someone has entrusted to you (although you have to be careful about that, too). I'm talking about your own "if anyone ever knew who I really was or what I've done they would..." kind of secret. The kind of secret that erodes your self-worth, value, and confidence.  The kind of secret that produces a facade that takes an extraordinary amount of energy to project to the world.  The kind of secret that will make you completely overcrowd your calendar intentionally, making sure there is no down time, because as long as you stay distracted you don't have to think too much and risk facing what you have made a life running from.  You see, that's where Satan likes us.  If we stay isolated in our minds and physically busy, he is able to play the tapes of self-incrimination over and over again until they begin to provide a twisted and familiar comfort.  "Of course I can't do (insert any new spiritual endeavor here), God would never bless a woman "like me" to shine for Him.  I'll just stay in the background and be grateful for the crumbs."

Around this time I was in a Bible Study with some other young moms. This season of life was filled with play-dates, new friendships, and a newfound desire for God's Word.  I loved my once-a-week study…not only because it provided free childcare, but I loved the women I was making friends with and the spiritual maturity I saw in them.  I made the comment often that I never expected to have such sweet relationships in my adult life!  It was a special time.

On a certain day, the topic of abortion came up in our study.  Now for the non-post-abortive women (or men) reading this, I'll tell you what goes on when that happens, because there is a lot of effort in this particular moment to cover it up and we post-abortive women do it pretty well.  First, all of the air is sucked out of our lungs.  Second is the recognition that we're not breathing.  Third, we're not hearing anything anyone is saying for the next few seconds because all we hear is the sound of our hearts beating so fast we fear we're going into a-fib. No, I’m not being dramatic.  Finally, by this time our lungs are crying for the air we've deprived them of and basically we are just trying to not hyper-ventilate and pass out - all without anyone noticing.  This is no easy feat.  However, even with all of this going on, I began to feel like maybe that day, I could confide in my friends the weight I had been carrying. After all, we were studying about the blood of Christ covering all of our sins, redemption, restoration, etc.  I took a deep breath to speak and suddenly one of my friends threw her hands in the air, pushed back from the table and said, "Who does this? What kind of woman would kill her child?  I don't even know anyone like this."

As I write these words years later, the tone and disgust in her voice still rings in my ears…and it still stings. Needless to say, I swallowed my words.  I continued to attempt to regulate my breathing and I shut my mouth.  Tight.  And I kept it shut for a very, very, very long time.  That was all the confirmation I needed to know I was on my own and my secret must be kept to myself.  It was clear that if any of these sweet church friends knew how awful I really was, I would be totally rejected because they would not associate with someone like me.  While I remained physically engaged, emotionally I protected myself by further isolating my mind. Satan loved this, I’m sure, because it gave him unencumbered reign in my thoughts and mind. After my friend's heartfelt disclosure I sat there and nodded in agreement with everyone else.

Why?  Because that's what we do.

___________________________

(Please CLICK HERE for Part 2 of Whitney's story - - Subscribe to Just the other day... by Email so that you never miss a post!)

Linking up at:

Titus 2sdays, Teach Me Tuesday, Raising Homemakers

Whitney Burrows is a North Florida girl raised on the banks of her beloved Suwannee River and Gulf Coast.  After 12 years in the world of banking, she moved into full-time- homemaker mode as mom to James and Pearce, and wife to Burges.  The last 18 years have been a fun flurry of sports, meal prep, scraped knees, room/team mom, chauffeuring, and volunteering.  Whitney lives for all things family, friends, southern, and outdoors.  She has been extremely blessed by God’s grace and loves encouraging women to embrace the abundant life promised to us by our Savior. She believes life becomes a wonderful (but not always easy) adventure when we stop running from the Lord, listen to His voice, and trust in His call on our lives. 

For His glory,

Number Three Turns Four

Just the other day...our precious Abigail made her debut in this world. As a matter of fact, it was four years ago! I thought singing the birthday song all day and talking about her being four would make the reality of this milestone more real, but so far, that has not happened. I still can't wrap my brain around her being four!

Abbie's arrival was full of joy, but soon met with overwhelming anxiety. You can read that story here. I remember countless hours spent rocking and singing my sweet Abbie to sleep. I also remember the tears streaming down my face while my other two girls played just outside the door, unable to fully take care of them anymore...or so I felt. My heart was pulled in so many directions after having our third. I was in survival-mode far too often. I can only pray my kids don't have to dish out mega-bucks in therapy fees as a result!

If any child has been a challenge from day one, Abbie has been it! She is sneaky and head-strong. If you tell her "don't do it", she's going to do it...with a twinkle in her eye! This is my child who actually laughs as she's being scolded for getting into trouble. But for all the mischief and grief she has put me through, she is as sweet as they come...and I'm not just saying that!

Abbie loves fiercely. She's the first one to let out a long, southern-twanged, "Awwwwww!", when she sees something cute, like a puppy or a baby. She's the first one to jump up and say, "I'll help!" when asked. She takes care of her big sisters just as much as, or at times even more than, they take care of her. And, Abbie gives the tightest around-the-neck hugs I have ever experienced. You know it when you've had a hug from that little love bug!

Abbie also loves to talk. I thought my ears were tired before she came along, but oh wow, they were just being conditioned for the years to come! The child has something to say allllll day long! She's the kind of child that  "never meets a stranger", so consider yourself warned. She'll have you roped into a conversation in a skinny minute!

Being the baby that she is, Abbie is also incredibly cute. She oozes cute! Everything she does is cute (well, almost). From performing made-up dances in the living room to singing worship songs to the top of her lungs to saying the prayer before we eat, the child will melt your heart. And there's not a heart alive that has been melted quite as much as her daddy's heart. Those two are so taken with each other!! The bond they have is really beautiful to watch.

Sometimes I think about how we almost didn't have an "Abbie"...and it makes my heart ache in a big way. Oh the blessings we would have missed out on!! There was excuse after excuse after excuse for not having a third child, but then someone in ministry made us really stop to think about the root of all of our excuses. Simply put, all of our excuses were purely selfish.

From day one, our sweet Abigail has taught us surrender in a way we previously hadn't known. She has been a catalyst to giving up control and letting God take the reigns in a greater way. Two children?  Well,that felt "do-able", but three has honestly been more than I felt I could handle in my perfectionistic, do-it-all-just-right head...and that's a good thing! My crew keeps me at the feet of Jesus, right where I need to be kept.

I'm sure the days ahead are faced with more challenges as I try to parent this one who is often a puzzle. However, I am just as positive that there's a ton of love and hugs, lengthy conversations, and utter cuteness around the bend. And you know what? I can't wait to soak in the joy of it all, thanking God each day for the beautiful gift He has given me in my precious, spunky Abigail!

"Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward from him."

Psalm 127:3

Joy and Pain Working Together

Just the other day...I traveled home from "The Cove" in Asheville, NC. I was privileged to experience a few amazing, quiet days there at our women's retreat. Quiet rarely describes my life. It was wonderful to have a few days to myself!

Our speaker for part of the weekend was Rebekah Lyons, author of "Freefall to Fly". What a gracious, beautiful, transparent story she tells! I found myself identifying with her so much. God has brought me down similar paths to teach me some of the same faith lessons.

One question Rebekah asked during the weekend has really stuck with me, and here it is - -

"How have both pain and joy impacted your life?"

The answer in my mind was immediate. I instantly had a picture pop in my head. It looked something like this...

It fits with my life and what the Lord has been teaching me in this season - -  that both joy and pain can coexist, just like the two rails on a railroad track, working together. In the hands of God, both are used to sculpt, shape, and bless...yes, bless...our lives.

Not all pain feels like a blessing, for sure...especially in the moment it strikes. The trials we go through can be what the enemy meant for evil. But God? He just keeps on changing those bad situations around, causing triumph, blessing, joy, wholeness, and spiritual growth beyond measure.

What does it look like to have joy and pain simultaneously working together? Well, it seems that at the same time I'm witnessing the metamorphosis of one problem into something of beauty, the revolving door is bringing about a new issue to tackle, a new crisis to confront. Yet, I'm learning something rich and deep in the process...

No matter what comes my way, God is my rock.

He is the sure foundation that stands through it all. He is the anchor that holds, though the ship is weary and worn. He's the answer, though the questions linger. He's the miracle, though the disease rages on. He's the light at the end, though the tunnel ahead appears long and dark.

If this railroad of life, this one bringing both joy and pain, has a closer walk with my Lord as its destination, so be it. I'll take it.

Because, let's be honest, understanding Him intimately and fully seems to require joining with Him in the fellowship of His suffering. That's a hard pill to swallow, but let me tell you...I've never known Jesus on the mountaintop like I've known Him in those moments when it felt like my world was falling apart.

Head-knowledge becomes heart-knowledge in moments like that. It's as if you come face-to-face with your own desperation...and if He doesn't rescue, to whom will you turn? I can't say that in those times God always answers as quickly as I want Him to. Sometimes He purposefully seems to delay so that I can learn a greater lesson, but I can say this, He always answers! He always comes through. Always.

And thinking about those times my Lord has sat with me in my pain until I was ready to move on...that wrecks me...in the very best way possible! When I am ready, He picks me up, dusts me off, and whispers, "I've got you, baby girl! Keep going." Such moments bring tears of joy that fall like rain, as well as renewed courage to face what's next. In Him, I can keep going.

And so the railroad track continues.

Is the journey easy?

No.

Is it worth it?

A thousand times, yes!!!

  _______________________________

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us."

Romans 5: 3 - 5

___________________________________

Linking up at:
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For His glory,