The Why of It All

Just the other day...I closed the computer, went into another room, and let the tears flow. I knew that taking a blogging break might be hard, but until that moment, I had no idea how wrapped up in it I had been. The sweet presence of the Lord in those moments was tangible and I just knew His blessing was upon my decision.

I have had many, many defining moments since stepping away for a little over a  month and a half. I am so thankful that God, while unchanging Himself, is constantly changing us. I started the journey of blogging as one person, grew and became something different only months into the journey, and write to you today as someone completely different.

This blogging experience, for me, has been one of hearing His voice, stepping out on faith, and conquering paralyzing fear. And here's the deal...you can't trust Him, see Him move, and remain the same. It's impossible. There are things I've done since I listened to that still small voice first say, "write" that I never would have done otherwise.

However, I realized by stepping away that something evil had begun to creep into this journey and that was this...a feeling of needing to prove myself to those I deemed "better than" me. In actuality, when stripped down to it's core, it was really just heart-sickening pride (isn't it always?). I knew something was "off", but until I laid it down, I was so very blind to it.

The heart is deceitful and wicked. The Bible tells us that. Even when we think we are on guard, evil motives can creep in and tempt us to fall away from our purpose. That is why it is of utmost importance that we truly learn the voice of the Lord and after listening, quickly obey Him. If you start making waves, even ripples, in this world for Jesus, the enemy will be out to sideline you. You can count on it!

He has tried very hard to sideline me, to make me loose focus, and to tempt me to just throw in the towel. I have been knocked down, but not destroyed...all praise to God! Even last week as God was whispering, "It's time (to write again)", the enemy was whispering, "You don't matter."

That's when I received a message on Facebook telling me that this blog was used to open a door in someone's life. I can't share the specifics of it just yet, but just know this, I cried some big alligator tears and could not speak for a few minutes as the Holy Spirit graciously overwhelmed me with an answer I didn't know I even needed. I needed to step away because He needed to center me once again on the WHY of all of this.

And I'm not the why.

God is the why.

HE is why I push through doubts and fears and sleepiness, why I stumble and fall and ultimately stand back up - - all to get out a message of His redeeming love. Do you know how ashamed I am that it ever became about me and about proving myself?!

Lesson learned.

At the end of her message my friend said to me, "Stay encouraged. You may never know this side of heaven how many others there are out there that your blog is touching."

I have lived on that encouragement for days, quietly remembering it as I have prayed over "coming back". And do you know what? God wins. I surrender. If He can bring one to know about Him, He can bring two. He can multiply the tiniest effort.

Lives can CHANGE because of one simple act of obedience.

Here I am, Lord.

Send me.

"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me, 
and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24

Linking up at:
The Better Mom

For His glory,